Turning Your Courtship to Successful Marriage - Part 1

By Peter Olu Joseph

Courtship and marriage are two separate things although similar in some respects. However, you can successfully turn your courtship into marriage if you have knowledge of the ways of achieving this.

Similarities
Courtship and marriage are similar to the extent that both are relationship that involves two persons of opposite gender who are emotionally involved with each other. They share times and things together keeping each others company and keeping each other satisfied.

Differences between Courtship and Marriage
Courtship differs so much from marriage in that courtship is time of discovering each other to ascertain compatibility. Courtship also provides opportunity to discover each other's values, reasoning pattern, temperament and behaviour pattern.In courtship partners see each other sometimes at prepared and organized settings. This cannot be equated to marriage.

Marriage Is a Legally Bounding Relationship
Marriage is a legally bounding relationship that has been solemnized with vows and it confers duties and responsibilities on each of the partners in the relationship and brings great benefits also to them. In marriage you don't arrange to see your partner only when you are prepared, rather you see him/her everyday and night whether you want to or not. Indeed you are to do many things together daily. You talk together, eat together pray together, reason together and handle bills together. You lose your privacy as an individual so to say and the two becomes one. You cannot choose or decide what you do and where you will be all on your own, it is now the two of you deciding that in the interest of the marriage and family and not just one partner.

Courtship Can Break
Note importantly that courtship can break if there are indications that the two cannot stay together as husband and wife by any reason ranging from incompatibility, divergence of values, or even inability to see things together eye to eye continually. You can end courtship by reason of medical incompatibility like when the genotype of the two people opposes marriage like one having SS and the other AS. This is medically considered to be a ground that may produce three (3) SS children out of 4 children produced by such partners together.

Marriage Is Not Permitted to Break
Marriage is not permitted to be broken easily just at the will of a partner. At least it is not the prayer of any couple for their marriage to break; it is seen as failure on the part of the couples. Marriage is for a life time. Marriage failure always leaves marks on the partner's life. It may even damage the emotional balance of the partners and leave them hurt internally inhibiting starting any other relationship.

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Over the past decade, or so, It's become popular in modern churches to use the concept of courtship for young Christians to select a spouse. Many have touted this as the true Biblical ideal for young men and women. The idea of dating multiple people until you find the one you want to marry is often considered sinful or, at least, undesirable. Needless to say, I've only heard parents talking like this, while their teenage children are happily playing the field. This article compares courtship and dating with the Biblical traditions so we can get a grasp on what we're asking our children to do and what God is asking of us.

The Ideal Of Courtship: Recently, someone told me her pastor had said she was ready to begin courting and that she should pray for God to reveal to her who she was to marry. She was very excited that he (the pastor) had finally given his permission. She then explained that they did not date, but preferred the Biblical ideal of courtship. For those of you who are wondering, no pastor can speak for God with respect to someone else's timing or method of selecting the mate God has chosen for them. But, taking the cult stuff out, what about courtship? Courtship is still practiced in some cultures, but the more developed world has opted for dating as the preferred method of choosing a spouse. Here's the courtship concept: With permission of the parents, a young man and woman enter into an exclusive relationship where they see each other (usually under supervision) for a specified period of time to investigate the possibility of marriage. Under the courtship concept, no one "dates" anyone without the agreed-upon intent of marriage. This custom has worked fairly well in underdeveloped countries where education is limited and culture, religion and ethnicity aren't mixed. Still, the idea that courtship is the Biblical ideal is a bit of a stretch.

The Biblical Ideal: The Bible is silent on dating and courtship. We're left to find clues from the traditions and customs of the people recorded in the Bible. The four or so thousand years covered by Scripture is a pretty wide swath of history and culture for anyone to nail down THE correct practice, but we can discuss some of the practices and rules set down and see if they bear any resemblance to modern ideas. First off, marriages were arranged by the families, either by negotiation or strict instruction. The bride and groom could make requests but had no right to decide on their own. Neither dating nor courtship are Biblical in that respect. Usually the groom was mature (around age 30) and the bride was beginning her child-bearing years (around age 14-16), so he could support her while she bore his children...as many as possible. Of course, now, we have a name other than "fiancé" for a 30 year-old man seeking romantic involvement with a 14 year-old girl. The couple was considered legally married upon engagement. Any sexual relations with another afterward was considered adultery. Furthermore, the families performed the marriage ceremonies, as such, and the religious leaders were merely there as honored guests...not to officiate. Sorry, ministers, but I'm gonna tell them! The church wedding ceremony, as we practice it, is not Biblical. If anyone doubts this, please send me the Scripture references backing your position. In Biblical days, if a couple had sex (with or without a ceremony), they were considered married in the eyes of God and man. In fact, if a virgin was raped by a stranger, they were considered married. There's the Biblical ideal! Try those out on your teenagers and see how obedient they'll be.

Where does dating fit in? It only fits in when society has so changed that it is no longer acceptable for one's parents to choose their mate...like here and now. Most people don't realize that the Bible never says what the proper method is to select a spouse, but accurately reports the social norms at the time the books were written. Could it be that God, in His wisdom, knew different cultures existed and that things were going to change and so, didn't want to tie His people down? Jesus said the whole Law and Prophets hangs on two commandments...1-love God...2-love your neighbor...1-laws of God...2-laws of society. Here is where the Bible is fully in line with both courtship and dating and any other cultural norm. As an expression of love for our neighbors, we are to live within the legal and cultural norms of the society we're in, unless those norms contradict God's direction in His Word. So, until we find a Scripture that states otherwise, dating and courtship are both valid and approved by God.

*Hey, Christians! If you want to take the religious mumbo-jumbo out of Christianity, just get your answers through the Bible. 

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This question is on the lips of all young single adults that have been counseled or coached to avoid any form of intimacies while dating. If we cannot kiss while dating, the question now is if we are in courtship which is a deeper relationship, should we not, at least kiss? One can on a cursory note simply say, it is not appropriate to kiss while in a courtship. However, it would be so simplistic as to leave the inquiring young man or woman confused or even in defiance. After all, kissing is a way of showing affection and the courtship stage in a relationship involves the deepening of connectedness and affection.

Are there cogent reasons why kissing should not be a part of the courtship stage in a relationship? To kiss is to touch somebody or something with the lips gently or passionately. The passionate angle to kissing is an ouster clause for kissing from the courtship stage of a relationship. Such passionate expressions are only allowed in legal and lawful marriage relationship. Passionate kissing is an intimate sexual expression.

Here are some reasons why it is inappropriate to kiss when in courtship"

• Courtship is not marriage - One of the challenges we face on this issue is to pretend that we can get away with some acts because we think we are almost there. Courtship is not marriage. It would never be. Courtship can be called off without much pain. Moreover, kissing as passionate and intimate act is reserved for married couples.

• Passionate kissing and the fire it ignites are usually uncontrollable - We usually start with a feeling that we can kiss passionately and still avoid penetration sexual intercourse. Experience has, however, shown that when you start kissing, all guards are lost, control is loosened and all caution flies out through the window. If you manage to escape degenerating into full-scale penetration sex on the first day, you would rarely miss full sexual intercourse the next day. There is no doubt that there are many out there with the experience, mostly regrettable one, to prove the point that is being made here. Many girls would recall when the boys would ask for only one kiss and they have ended up in penetration sex where they have lost their virtue and felt used and dumped.

• Passionate kissing outside marriage is immorality - Many of us feel that penetration sex is the only instance when morality has been compromised. Let it be known that there is none morally pure who is involved in passionate kissing in their relationship outside legal and lawful marriage. If you doubt this statement, a search of the conscience would tell you that it is not right. What we have is a bunch of people who are struggling to put down a conscience that is telling them that they are going or have gone overboard.

• Even light kissing is unsafe - Those who argue that given the fact that kissing is a form of greeting would ask if they could not even give light kissing to their courtship partner. There is a rule of the thumb that states that it is better to ere on the side of caution. This is the counsel that is suitable here. You might aim for light kissing. However, the scents of the male and female body during those moments always ask for more than you wish to offer. Your only security is usually to not start what you may not be able to finish safely.

Francis Nmeribe 

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Five Stages Of Courtship

In any and all courtships, there are five stages of non-verbal communication that occur. No matter what culture, society, or demographics that a person has, they will always follow these stages in their courtship. Let's take a look at the five stages and what is involved with each one.

The first stage in courtship is getting attention. You want to let people know that you are single and looking.  You do this through your posture, movements, facial expressions, clothing, and other forms of communication that are all non-verbal.  You are getting attention in a submissive way.

The second stage is learning to read body language. After you have gotten attention, you need to start looking for positive signs from those around you. You are looking for who is responding to your cries for attention. Who recognizes your non-verbal cues and is in tune enough to show an interest in them? These are all things that you will see in the body language of the people that are around you. This can tell you a lot about whom to move on to the next stage of courtship with. The main focus here is to ensure you recognize the engagement vibe of others.

In the third stage, verbal communication is introduced. Once you know who is interested, you can start talking with them.  This is the first stage of a focused pursuit.  However, this stage is also mostly centered on non-verbal communication. There are many things that can be implied by simply saying, "Hello" to someone. It is all in body language and tone of voice. You can get a good understanding of how things are progressing by what is not being said. Pay close attention to the non-verbal signs that people are giving off. If you see cues that are saying the person is definitely interested, it is much easier to approach them and say Hello. It is also much less frightening and awkward this way.

The fourth stage of courtship involves physical touch. This stage can be very subtle and start out completely innocently. There could be an accidental brushing up against someone or an accidental touch. The response that is received is what will determine where this stage goes. If the person is not interested in taking things further, their non-verbal communication will clearly display this. They will give off clear signs that they have no interest in what is going on. There are different time frames for this stage to last. It is different for each individual couple and their unique situations.

The last stage in courtship involves adding intimacy and sex to the relationship. Once again, as with the first four stages, the non-verbal cues should be your guide in moving forward in this stage. Cuddling, gazing, stroking, kissing, holding hands and other ways to show and display affection will all present themselves during this stage.

If you do not see these signs from your partner, then you are not both ready to move into this stage. When people are intimate with each other, their body language will be very clear. However, their voice and tone will change as well. After all, tone of voice and how we speak can go a long way towards letting our partner know how interested we are in them and how much we desire them and the intimacy that is to follow.
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Principles Of A Godly Courtship Relationship

The modern world is full of temptation and as imperfect creatures we can sometimes do imperfect things. It's quite common for those with a strong, religious constitution to be confused and often clumsy in matters of the heart. We want to remain true to who we are without compromising our love life. If you can adhere to the core principals of a Godly courtship, you will thus be rewarded for your efforts.

You must first realize and understand the difference between dating and courtship. Dating is what most modern people do as a recreational experience that may or may not lead to a serious commitment. In a courtship, however, you are looking for a long-term commitment - marriage. You are not socializing as a response to peer pressure or promiscuity, but instead are searching for your true love. If you carry yourself in a respectful and positive way, you are able to present yourself as marriage material.

Generally, when you are in a courtship you do not share the private activities that most dating pairs do. Not only does it compromise your strong faith, it represents you as something that you're not - even when your intentions are Godly. A good way to avoid this is to go out in and participate in group activities. This will promote healthy interactions and bond development without temptation. Try attending Church or Church events as a means to introduce family members and friends.

Another principle of having a successful Godly courting relationship is to enlist the guidance and advice of a church counselor, pastor, or fellow married Christian couple. They can help to give courting advice and guide you on how to develop the relationship into a marriage. Contemporary activities such as talking on the phone, emailing, and texting as well as going to the movies and other social arenas are definitely allowed within the scope of courtship. However, they must always be supported by those around you who not only love you, but wish to foster your strong Christian faith.

The main benefit of having a Godly courtship is to respect the traditional roles of men and women. Men will engage the woman in a potential relationship, while the woman decides to either encourage or dismiss the interest. This allows each individual to be respectful and encourages strong Christian values. It is extremely important to abstain from compromising situations as following God's word is a core principle in a healthy relationship. Limiting physical contact as well as wearing the appropriate attire can help you pursue a functional and respectful courtship.

Ultimately, the purpose of this procedure is marriage. However, life is not perfect and sometimes it may not end there. The benefit of having a Godly courtship though, is the end is usually done respectfully and with both parties on good terms. It also allows you to learn more about yourself and offer more insight as to what you seek in a potential wife or husband. Thus, helping you build the basis for a strong marital bond in the future.

Courtship - A Basic Criteria Marriage

Courtship is a period of time during which the intending couple gets acquainted with each other, which must commence after the parental consent. Courtship provides the intending couple the opportunity to get to know each other better, plan and harmonize goals and pray for the happy consummation of their marriage.
Planning is an important aspect in courtship as proper preparation prevents poor performance. Fidelity, purity of life in relationship must be the main target. Courtship time is not the time where marriage privileges must be enjoyed but rather patience must be exercised until the marriage is consummated.
Any impure and suggestive motives, thoughts, actions, words should be frowned at and dispelled.
Courtship provides the opportunity for the intending couple to unit their goals, aspiration, desires, vision, career, number of children to give birth to, the children's mode of education, finance, relationship with relatives and neighbors, engagement time, notification of the wedding at the registry, bride price or dowry, house equipment, wedding clothes, getting conducive accommodation must be put into consideration before marriage.
Courtship time should be the time for prayer for firm foundation of future home as prayer promotes love, unity, and spiritual growth.
We must take courtship time very serious otherwise you are playing with your marriage either as a man or a woman, intrimacy during during courtship time that important issues are trash out. Ways to move on successfully in marriage are planned during courtship. You get to know your spouse better during courtship, and if he or she is not the kind of person you want, you get to know during courtship. It is very very important in a Man's life.







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